Busy is an understatement. This month has been full to the overflowing brim.
Mostly of commitment-oriented responsibilities and sporadic sprinkles- no, make that downpours- of needing-to-be-there moments.
Take the other day.
Editing the final words on the preschool parent handbook for the next day's meeting, adding more raisins to the boy's oatmeal, tossing the fourth load into dryer, washing four angelic hands, picking up the house- not deep cleaning- for the morning playdate, thinking, praying, then updating social media for HomeFront magazine, double-checking the fridge for sourdough bread, a snack? already?... and all before 9am.
From playdate lunch, laughing, pouring waters, pressing panini-maker, sharing hearts, washing four dirt-digging hands, phone ringing with editor's encouragement to re-write, re-shape, back to the drawing board, set up time to meet friend for Nurture newsletter, call babysitter about Life Group time, put date night on calendar, another snack?, ____ is on my heart- send her encouraging text, put Ty down for nap, do puzzle with T, have I even peed today?, ... all before 1pm.
One sleeping, the other boy having quiet time, I pour over the almost ready website, smoothing words, downloading window pictures, clothes pile mountains on the leather corner chair, is the laundry-folding fairy coming today?, four-year old feet protrude around the baseboards "Mom, my eyes won't close.", he pulls up a seat at the table, new puzzle begun, juice poured, "cheers," phone rings about arrangements for carpooling to baby shower, hmmm... maybe I should get in the shower... all before 3pm.
Create hand-made baby card, tie with twine, crack eggs, little hands help me stir, brownies into the oven, apply mascara, towel-dry hair, check in with hubby- how's your day going?, jot notes for Room Parent Meeting, print off cupcake toppers for brownie bites, scissors to flag shape, pen year-of verse, prep dinner, "Mommmmmm!!!! Ty's up!... all before 5pm.
Whew! After a day like this, you know what I thought?
I thought, I'm a freakin' rockstar, aren't I?
And I was.
Except for one life-extended pivotal dependency...
All day, I'd completed, baked, discussed, shared, hugged, thought, dreamt out of my doing, void of drawing strength from the Strength-Giver, the Life-Gifter.
Spurred by self-sufficient adrenaline and positive pep-talks, I'd maintained a self-timed pace, rather than being fueled by Him.
How often do I do that?
Trust in myself, my energy, my ideas, my agenda, as opposed to laying the day's details in the palm of the Peace-Giver, the Security-Supplier.
The sad realization is that I can continue this way- fueled by the power of me- for months, years- the same way a church can do ministry void of The Spirit- until one day... air stuffy, life vacant of Life, hope lost, a shadow of what could be.
God, forgive me for launching into my daily routine, pure intentions- yes, but forfeiting dependence on You, the Strength-Giver, the Life-Gifter.
And all the while, He harbors no guilt, closes no hands, but welcomes with unconditional grace, promising new mercies every morning.
This verse, our family verse, now welcomes each dawn. A reminder to focus eyes heavenward for the day's strength, an eternal life cord.
Sure, I'll slip back into me-dependent days, believing I'm a rockstar of my own doing, but of this I'm confident:
an internal light source is always brighter than an external bulb threatening to burn out when kept on for too long!