Blue

I've been blue. Not the fun, aqua-ish blue on my Anthropologie bedding. But deep in my gut blue. Lonely. And I'm not sure why. Probably because God is sifting through my heart and bringing parts of it to my attention. And it's ugly. And I want to turn my head and ignore it. But it won't go away. So I'm twisting it around in my brain and processing it. Processing this lie that I've believed about being 30 and needing to have it together. And own a home. And have playdates and coffee with good friends everyday. And a home-cooked meal on the table nightly. It's a lie cuz it's just not happening.

Oh, I want it to! I want to own a home again (partly to have a new decorating outlet). And I want to see people I enjoy and gab over a carmel macchiato while our kids play at the park. I want to exercise more and eat less chocolate and write letters and read my bible more. But for now, I'm doing the best I can, and for this moment, right now, it means sitting on my Anthropologie bedspread while the boys nap and listen to my heart and process what God is revealing to me- about the Bekah I need to BE, not the Bekah that needs to DO. So much of the lie I feed myself is the DO part, and I became acutely aware of this fact while reading Bittersweet, an amazing book, and a gift from a dear friend that knows me well...

..."it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about...DO EVERYTHING BETTER, are a super-charged, triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives... I remind myself about the important things: that time is finite, as is energy. And that one day I'll stand before God and account for what I did with my life. There is work that is only mine to do: a child that is ours to raise, stories that are mine to tell, friends that are mine to walk with. The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DO EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being."

I'm thinking about how I can dismiss the DO EVERYTHING BETTER gong clanging in my head and listen to the whisper of who God wants me to be...