An Awakening to Grace

Recently I experienced a situation that was handled with guilt instead of grace.
Ugly, dank, stinky guilt.
And it ripped me to the core.
As I fumbled through my feelings, trying to make sense of my ever-passionate emotions, I asked  myself: what is the flip-side, the "nice" twin of guilt? Without hesitation I knew in my gut - it had to be grace.

Grace.
It forgives, forgets, covers all traces of failure; it inspires, gives hope, and reflects love.

I don't know about you, but I have this lofty concept of grace, almost an airy, dream-like attribute I've bestowed it, as if grace means resting my head on butterfly-covered down pillows and smiling at everyone all the time. It's like kindness on steroids, and I haven't the slightest clue about how to do it in my own strength. You see, I get tired and irritable, and bitey and impatient, and then I say things I want to rewind.

But I am really good at encouraging others to give themselves grace.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can. Give yourself grace.
She's two and you are tired, we've all been there. Give yourself grace.
He knows you love him, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself grace.

Ironically, when it comes to swallowing this grace pill, I'm the worst at taking my own medicine. Just ask my husband who reminds me weekly, sometimes daily, that I'm my own worst enemy. Whether it's relationships, parenting, trying a new recipe, working with a client, or writing an article, I evaluate my every move, critiquing and searching for improvements. I want to give myself grace but I have no idea what that looks like.

Please tell me you have some idea of what I'm saying. Perhaps you are there too?

I so badly want to know grace so I can live grace, and of this I am sure: to know grace, I have to study my Savior. I have to jump in with both feet, and soak up everything I can on how he lived; how he shared grace with others. Really, apart from Him, grace is self-produced and manufactured and will eventually wear off.

So I'm on a mission of sorts. 

To get my hands on every bible verse, book, quote, story and song about grace. To read, listen, recite, memorize and learn as much as I can about this beautiful, far-off idea of the word synonymous with goodwill and favor. Even now,  I have goosebumps in anticipation for meeting God's Spirit at what he does best ~ grace!

As Julia Child says, "Everything is better with butter," And if that's the case, everything must be better with grace.

Care to accompany me on this grace awakening? I can't promise I won't get passionate and excited and repeat myself at times. There may be days you open your computer to a whole lotta rambling about discovering a facet of God's grace in an epic way. This girl can get fired up. So there. You've had your fair warning.

If you are farther along in this grace journey, help a sister out and share some wisdom- some powerful verses that hit the aha button for you, or a song that touched your soul, or a book that made grace come alive.

I'm finding this a good place to start...

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.  Ephesians 2:8

Retraced Steps

Heart-throb, right?

Think again!

I am wild with love for this little man, this two-year old goofball-meets-stubborn-tornado!

But last week I hit my breaking point, had myself a lovely mommy meltdown thanks to this heart-throb.

Walk with me while I share...

I'll start with two weeks earlier. The Bentley Fam joined us at the Pogue Cottage for a weekend of family fun.

Heather and I met my sophomore year at APU and it was love at first friendship sight. We have walked through every season of life together: dating then marrying our spouses, working in youth ministry, extreme loss, babies, moves, buying homes, sharing deepest sorrows and skyrocketing joys. She is a source of grace and authenticity, and my life is richer because of this dear friend and her beautiful soul!

Over the weekend the hubbies surfed a morning session while we gabbed in our pj's, the kids drawing art projects and racing back and forth in the backyard,

We grabbed time away, talking for hours over turkey cranberry sandwiches and chicken harvest salads.

Maddie and Tanner fell in love {no big deal... hee!}

 Nate stole my heart... and Ty's food :) {I love a man that can eat}

We introduced them to our love for Portola Coffee and fountain wishes,

bought ripe avocados and sweet plums from SOCO Farmer's Market.

Shared Ruby's shakes at the Huntington Pier

and giggled over grilled cheese mustaches.

We barbecued tri-trip, drank wine, stayed up way too late, and savored being together as families; once two couples, now two families of four!

And when they left, Tanner moped, missing Maddie.

And Ty threw an over-tired fit inviting a half-joking response from Bryan.

Calmly my hubby looked at Ty and declared, "Sorry bud, Natey took all your binkies with him. No more binkies!!!"

My eyes like saucers, started at Bry's. My body froze. Sweat broke out...And just like that, we exchanged the couples nod, the we-are-in-this-together glance. A spontaneous decision, requiring a silent Go Team commitment. 

Were we really doing this? Was Ty ready?  

Well, ready or not, tonight was the beginning of No Binkie Zone. After all, the kid is two and he's ready... 

or is he?

The first night went surprisingly well...no clawing at the walls or jumping out of his crib in protest. He did wake up an hour earlier, but all in all, we could manage.

And then came the following day, nap time resembling a wailing siren ~ on/off he cried for hours. He refused to let me hold, comfort or sing to him. He really wanted nothing to do with me at all. I'm confident he was cursing me in his two year old noggin! His 45 minute nap resulted in a very inconsolable Ty Ty.

Thus began two weeks of leading to my mommy meltdown. My fun-loving Ty turned sleep-deprived monster.

I said black, he screamed white.

He hit his brother, and Stella too.

I'd ask him to pick up his trucks - he'd throw them inches from the toy basket, his eyes challenging mine as if to ask "Was that close enough?"

He ran away from me, cried for Bryan non-stop, and made me question my ability at being a mom.

That's just because he's two, you say!

No, this was the result of a stubborn, sleep-deprived boy who lacked self-control and understanding.

 

But we refused to cave. 

If we cave, he'll know we're fibbing and then he'll go to college with a binkie, probably still wearing diapers, and we'll have no credibility as parents.

Very rational thinking, I know!

He's too old for a binkie, he can cope without one...  

We. Will.  Hold. Our. Ground!

After sleepless days and disrupted nights, I called Bryan one morning. 9:38am to be exact.

I'm done! You have to come home.

This isn't working and Ty doesn't like me and... pause to wipe snot off my phone...I have no more patience and I don't know how to be a mom... sniffle sniffle...

You get the idea. Mommy meltdown at it's finest!

 

We went another week. Seven days of our son acting uncontrollable due to lack of sleep.

I know he's two. I know he has to learn to cope without a binkie. I know all the pep talk, Go Team motivation you're going to empower me with because it was the same sports banter Bryan and I were pouring on one another every evening, at God-awful 2am, and mid-day over the phone, and we came to a humbling parent realization.

We had to retrace our steps.

We had to accept that perhaps this wasn't the best timing, 

we had to swallow humble pie and agree that sleep was more important than attempting to remove a binkie from our two year old,

we had to remind ourselves that both our boys are so distinctly and uniquely different, each ready at his own time,

we had to say we were sorry, that we had the best intentions, but that we'd made a mistake,

we had to admit enough is enough!

Mr. Heart-throb woke at 5am this morning.. crying {never a good way to start off the day} and continued to whine for Bryan to hold him, pounding on the door, screaming in exhaustion.

Hours later, I walked to the sock drawer, pulled out two binkies, grabbed my grumpy bundle and laid him down with his pacifiers.

For hours I relished the quiet peace of a sleeping boy. Waking up happy, the heart-throb version of Ty had returned.

Not perfect, not suddenly sharing all of his toys and never whining, but rested and full of energy~ full of Ty!

And a lesson learned by this mom that sometimes all we have to do is retrace our steps!

Symptoms of Social Networking

As a little girl, I remember the phone ringing on our home land line, my mom answering; sitting down at a kitchen table chair for long phone conversations, or cleaning the kitchen counters, the rigatoni rope cord reaching across to the sink, for short talks.

It's crazy to think my boys will never know what a home phone is, they'll never see their mom sit on a kitchen chair talking into a receiver while they play cars on the floor.

Nowadays, it's talk-on-the-go, catch-up-on-the-way-to-or-from-preschool-drop-off/pick-up-as-I-tilt-into-the-earpiece-type-of-conversation. People are busy, so we text to connect. It's social networking without the social.

Now don't get me wrong. I love seeing Instagram pictures of Megan qualifying for the Boston Marathon, oohing at Karen's adorable daughter's in MA. I love reading life as you live it blog, and feeling closer to @imegdale through her tweets.

But I've noticed a subtle inner shift as I've delved deeper into the social media circuit these past few years...

What started out as convenience at my fingertips in the form of a smart phone, has grown into a habitual pattern of stabbing the home button on my iphone for recent texts, my eyes following the miniature rays of sun circles in search of an updated email inbox. Spare moments are filled by checking FB, and my thumb absentmindedly scrolls down the Instagram feed without even thinking. I'm a junkie in need of a social media high, minutes away from a hit for the next technology fix.

Anyone else guilty of this?

As grateful as I am for internet access within mere milliseconds, my soul has been warning me of a subconscious social networking symptoms: the tragedy of assumption, comparison, and depression!!

You see, when I live in the socially dependent world of blog highs and Instagram hits, a land {mostly} full of happy FB updates, creative Pinterest projects, and magazine appearance-like blog posts I lose sight of reality, of the everyday, of our family and God-impressing perspective. I get swallowed up by the assumption monster, sticky and floating in depression saliva. Suddenly I'm left  feeling small and inadequate {which is by no means the intent of that person or blogger at all}... but all the same, I begin assuming people's lives are as glamorous as their Instagram pictures, their homes as perfectly staged as their blog photos. I compare my so-called-life to their assumed life, believing mine clearly lacks.  

Which is a big. fat. lie! I love my life! 

I've become a social media robot in a fog of technology hang-ups.

And the sad reality is that social networking effects each of us ~ old and young!

This Yahoo article details interviews with teenagers and the effects of social networking:

"I feel sad, depressed, jealous, or whatever when I don't get a lot of "Likes" on my photo or when someone else gets way more Likes than me. Honestly, I'm not sure that parents realize how drastically it affects our self-image and confidence. If I see a picture of a really pretty girl, it's like 'Goodbye self-esteem.' It forces me to compete and do stuff that I don't want to do, so my confidence will get a boost."
--Samantha, 14 years old

"Social networking affects all the things you do in real life now. Like, if you go to a party, one of the most important aspects of going to the party is to document yourself for online posts. You have to prove you were looking good, you were having fun, and that you were actually there! It's not about the party anymore but about the pictures of the party."
--Caroline, 14 years old

"There is so much pressure to look happy all the time-you can never just be yourself-- because everybody is always taking pictures and posting them."
--Nikki, 13 years old

{To read the article, click here: 10 things you don't know about teens and social networking}


Sad, right? These are teenagers! Ironically, adults feel the same way!
  
I too realized my addiction. An addiction to false assumption about others' lives. So I began asking questions, peering past the visual lens and deeper to the heart story.

 How are you doing? What's going on in your life?

And I was shocked at my discovery.

Underneath the FB posts and blogs, Instagram pictures and tweets, underneath the best version, the ideal portrayal of life in those moment, life is still life.

FB updates don't detail a recent argument with your spouse. Your spouse thanks you for that!
Instagram pictures don't capture children melting down. Thank you! I see enough of that at my house!

Underneath, people are hurting. They are surviving the season they are in. They are lonely and crying out for community. They are tired and praying for parent wisdom. They are too busy and too worried.
I'm afraid we've gotten caught up in tagging the people we are with, instead of connecting with those in the same room.
And I am guilty!
Guilty of it all.

So I'm making some healthy changes, changes that will dissolve my social media junkie fix.. No, it won't happen overnight, I'll come down slowly from the high, probably experiencing occasional withdrawals, but this simple act will eliminate the assumption, comparison, and depression poison.

I'm starting each morning filling my thoughts with God's Truth. As cliche' as it sounds, before I reach for my phone, checking my inbox, or clicking on the FB app, I'm resting in who Jesus says I am, an assumption that can not be misunderstood, that brings hope of all hopes.

This is my all-time favorite daily devotional. Every dawn {and my husband would like me to specify never before 7:30am}, I wake in anticipation of how God will speak to me that morning. If I'm going to compare myself with anyone's life, I really can't go wrong with Jesus!

When we are together as a family, Bryan and I are putting our phones on the counter. If people really need us, they'll call. FB updates and tweets can wait. Our time together with our boys is what's happening in the now.

We are trying to avoid being on our phones altogether when with others. The goal is to convey that they are the priority, not the rest of the cyber-world. Again, baby steps...

Gone are the days of home land lines, long strings of rigatoni rope cords. Technology will continue to amaze and propel us into the future, and I embrace it fully. However, I'm challenging myself to avoid social networking assumptions, comparisons, and depression by not allowing social media to replace being social, to keeping alive the art of talking and asking, sharing and doing life with others.

Care to join me in this challenge?

Bang! Rush! Whoosh! Tys is TWO!

 
He came in the afternoon, a nurse scooting friends and family out of our room only minutes before he took his place in the spotlight.

He came with a bang! in a rush! whoosh!... suddenly there was Ty.
And it's been that way ever since.
Bang! Rush! Whoosh!

I was worried I wouldn't love him as much as my first child.
I was concerned I wouldn't bond with him like our two-year old son.
I was unsure how to know another little person.

But then came Ty!

Ty with his hedgehog-ish, black mohawk fro!
Ty, his powerful personality contained in his chubby body.
Ty, his one-of-a-kind giggle bursting from his chipmunk cheeks.

And today our Ty is TWO!

Two much of the most perfect addition to our family.
Two hilarious for words.
Two gifted with comedic timing, breaking the occasional serious tone.
Two in love with every stranger, welcoming them as new friends.
Two unaware of personal space, often hugging those strangers in the first 30 seconds of meeting!
Two busy for the human eye to take in.

Ty, they say when you have another child you grow another heart. 
My heart for you beats twice as fast to keep up with your boundless vigor.
To watch you run everywhere, every second of every day, stopping only to nap and sleep.
To hear you shout 'Tanner', overjoyed to be reunited after your brother's preschool hours.
You taste each bite, voraciously shoveling blueberries, pad thai, pizza, and bananas into your mouth.
You smell flowers, bending close to petals as you help me water.
You grab your favorite, well-loved metal trucks and line them up in the living room, on the back patio, on the windowsill...

 

You, our hedgehog-turned-curly-mop. 
You, our heart-exploding echo of joy
You, a blessed addition to our family, to this world
You, a gift beyond
You, the definition of 'celebration', 
we celebrate you, 
our Ty,
Turning Two!

Happy Birthday, Ty Christian. We can't wait to see how God uses your bang! rush! whoosh!

I'M a ROCKSTAR... or am I?

Busy is an understatement. This month has been full to the overflowing brim.

Mostly of commitment-oriented responsibilities and sporadic sprinkles- no, make that downpours- of needing-to-be-there moments.

Take the other day.

Editing the final words on the preschool parent handbook for the next day's meeting, adding more raisins to the boy's oatmeal, tossing the fourth load into dryer, washing four angelic hands, picking up the house- not deep cleaning- for the morning playdate, thinking, praying, then updating social media for HomeFront magazine, double-checking the fridge for sourdough bread, a snack? already?... and all before 9am.

From playdate lunch, laughing, pouring waters, pressing panini-maker, sharing hearts, washing four dirt-digging hands, phone ringing with editor's encouragement to re-write, re-shape, back to the drawing board, set up time to meet friend for Nurture newsletter, call babysitter about Life Group time, put date night on calendar, another snack?, ____ is on my heart- send her encouraging text, put Ty down for nap, do puzzle with T, have I even peed today?, ... all before 1pm.

One sleeping, the other boy having quiet time, I pour over the almost ready website, smoothing words, downloading window pictures, clothes pile mountains on the leather corner chair, is the laundry-folding fairy coming today?, four-year old feet protrude around the baseboards "Mom, my eyes won't close.", he pulls up a seat at the table, new puzzle begun, juice poured, "cheers," phone rings about arrangements for carpooling to baby shower, hmmm... maybe I should get in the shower... all before 3pm.

Create hand-made baby card, tie with twine, crack eggs, little hands help me stir, brownies into the oven, apply mascara, towel-dry hair, check in with hubby- how's your day going?, jot notes for Room Parent Meeting, print off cupcake toppers for brownie bites, scissors to flag shape, pen year-of verse, prep dinner, "Mommmmmm!!!! Ty's up!... all before 5pm.

Whew! After a day like this, you know what I thought?

I thought, I'm a freakin' rockstar, aren't I?

And I was.

Except for one life-extended pivotal dependency...

Him!

All day, I'd completed, baked, discussed, shared, hugged, thought, dreamt out of my doing, void of drawing strength from the Strength-Giver, the Life-Gifter.

Spurred by self-sufficient adrenaline and positive pep-talks, I'd maintained a self-timed pace, rather than being fueled by Him.

How often do I do that?

Trust in myself, my energy, my ideas, my agenda, as opposed to laying the day's details in the palm of the Peace-Giver, the Security-Supplier.

The sad realization is that I can continue this way- fueled by the power of me- for months, years- the same way a church can do ministry void of The Spirit- until one day... air stuffy, life vacant of Life, hope lost, a shadow of what could be.

God, forgive me for launching into my daily routine, pure intentions- yes, but forfeiting dependence on  You, the Strength-Giver, the Life-Gifter.

And all the while, He harbors no guilt, closes no hands, but welcomes with unconditional grace, promising new mercies every morning.

This verse, our family verse, now welcomes each dawn. A reminder to focus eyes heavenward for the day's strength, an eternal life cord.

Sure, I'll slip back into me-dependent days, believing I'm a rockstar of my own doing, but of this I'm confident:
an internal light source is always brighter than an external bulb threatening to burn out when kept on for too long!

The Everyday Parent

I've always loved writing.

And then I had kids and something warm lit within, a spark fueled by watching my joy bundles breathe in the world and exhale out a simpler, unjaded version.

Suddenly words had new meaning, my heart barely containing this lava love heaped with awe and gratefulness to our creative Creator. It's my sons that ignite this passion for words, this deep desire to connect with moms all over, to journey through the sticky, joy-wrapped, child-raising adventure I've come to know in apologies and prayers.

So. I. Write.

To encourage.
To vent.
To focus on the everyday blessings.
Because they are everywhere, begging to be put to words, to join together with a million air particle miracles and bring today.

I love seeing how God weaves passions and purpose into each of our stories. Each of us can look back and see His prompting, His nudges, and at times, His protective silence.

For years, I saw only wandering in the desert, searching for purpose, my hands in the air, a question mark hovering above.

And all the while, those air particle miracles were journeying alongside, waiting on God's perfect timing.

And it's come! His perfect timing in me. And it's only the beginning.

My heart heaps with awe and gratefulness for God's patience and provision.

I now write.
To parents.
Every month.
And I'm tickled pink with appreciation for the once-small spark now bright with flame.
And forever thankful to my sons for helping me discover my love for writing.

May you be encouraged as you read this month's HomeFront article: The Everyday Parent

Wise tidbits

Fall is creeping in.
I can feel it.
Today the sky wore gray, dew hung in the air- taunting the ground and heavens, not sure which direction to go. It was a nice change, a respite from weeks drenched in heat, where afternoon comfort came only from the front and back screens open wide, the wind lapping our home, cooling the static air, allowing us to breathe easier.

Perhaps it was the appropriate weather for a pumpkin latte that had me cheery, or the fact that I put on a sweater for the first time in I-can't-remember-how-long. No, today was all-around great because of the company!
Because of Pam.

Pam is a way better version of myself in the future.
Comfortable in her skin.
A calm, confident faith.
With kids who are grown, a husband who adores her, a family that enjoys being together.
She's incredible.
For so many reasons.

Take, for example
the way she naturally includes Tanner in conversation, sitting ground level to play "Ninjas",
how she snuggles Ty and kisses his chubby cheeks, squeals erupting in pleas for "more",
the way she listens with her whole being,
and claims God's perfect plan, even when life is splattered with question marks.

I hung on her words, gleaning wise tidbits... and they came, not as a river, but sprinkled simply and naturally, in purpose and encouragement.

You'll never regret a day you sat in your pj's, playing Lego's with your kids.
Play with them. Play with them.

It's not about the couch pillows, or funky home accessories, it's not about the overstuffed chair and sassy orange blanket, it's the people in the house that matter.
Be with them. Be with them.

When they are older, you can tell your kids what decisions to make, or you can encourage them to seek God with everything in them.
Point them toward Him. Point them toward Him.

Surround yourself with friends that are life-giving and safe.
Be a question-asker. Be a question-asker.

Listen to your gut, and don't be afraid to make changes.
Life is short. Life is short.

Cook good food and even better desserts!
Savor every bite. Savor every bite.

Continue family traditions even after the kids have moved out. They'll come back and introduce others to the memories you are creating.
Be intentional. Be intentional.

It's always easier to leave young kids at home and run errands. Take them with you and invite them into the everyday adventures of counting apples and reading labels.
Make learning fun. Make learning fun.

Be honest with your children and ask their opinions. You will learn from them.
It goes both ways. It goes both ways.

Consistency speaks volumes in faith, marriage, parenting, serving, and friendships.
Stick with it. Stick with it.

Wise tidbits in today's conversation and company.
Thank you Pam, for simply being you.
Thank you gray day.
Thank you Fall...creeping in.

Heart beats and HomeFront

For those of you who know me as a friend, or maybe "know" me from reading my blog, you are seasoned to the fact that my heart beats for:

intentional conversations

 connecting with moms about this messy, joyful, parenting adventure

 teaching my kiddos about how to love Jesus

 living in community with awesome friends and family ~ life has challenges enough, why do it alone?

anything that has to do with sweets ~ preferably dipped, drizzled, or dunked in chocolate

sand. sunscreen. waves. I've got the beach obsession bad

 a fabulous vintage find 

{yes, I discovered a killer antique store before boarding the plane home from Bend, OR, and yes, my hubby ran through the airport dragging this little gem to our connecting flight, which we almost missed... stay tuned for that story another day!}

Over-arching all of my heartbeat-related passions is this goody! I'm sure you are familiar with my appreciation for this book:

Spiritual Parenting encourages the parents - not the church, to be the primary role in teaching our kids about Jesus. Yes! Finally!

What's even cooler is that TRU, the curriculum branched from Spiritual Parenting, is offered at churches all over the nation, and we happen to be a part of the church that did the beta-testing for the curriculum. Coincidence? Not a chance!

TRU has a monthly magazine, HomeFront, that gives parents super-practical ideas on how to talk with their kids about prayer, worship, and seeing God's Word through storytelling, as well as fun games, recipes, and traditions to do as a family.

You can read more about HomeFront here, as well as download the magazine. The Blessings piece is one of my faves!

And, what's even cooler, is that God in His perfect timing, opened doors for me to write monthly for HomeFront, a magazine my heart definitely beats for! I count it a pure blessing to encourage everyday parents like you and me in The Everyday Parent.
You can read this month's magazine and The Everyday Parent article here:



I hope this resource encourages you. What I love about HomeFront are the practical ideas, the daily ways to discuss Jesus as a family~ after reading it, I feel refreshed and encouraged, instead of overwhelmed and small.

And really, isn't that what all of our hearts beat for?

The Mom Workout!

I share this secret with friends that are about to have a baby, or welcome an additional lil' munch to their family,

When you wake up in the morning, if you don't have anywhere important to be, just put work-out clothes on!

Seriously!

There is something mental it does to your brain and well-being, as if you're half-tricking your mind and mirror that your are indeed, wearing real clothes, clothes you may actually use for their intended purpose sometime today!

But let's be honest. Us moms wear work-out clothes, not because we got up at 4am to run 12 miles {although some of my dearest friends are those people, and God bless them!}, nor do we model for Nike, or have lofty goals of mountain biking after dinner.

Nope, we do it because it's comfy, and the closest darn thing to staying in pajamas, and maybe, just maybe, it allows us to avoid showering or washing our hair for yet another day, and who needs to look "hot love" when hanging out with adorable children?

Wearing work-our attire, can definitely work to your advantage. Others may think that you happen to be wearing shorts, tennies, and a neon sportsbra because you actually worked out today!
My thoughts?  
More power to 'em. Let them think that. For all they know, you have worked out.

Because being a mom is the most challenging workout I know!

Washing chubby fingers for the 70th time that day.

Clasping those same hands to thank God for the yummy lunch and dinner.

Joining toddler dance parties, or tracing letters with your pre-schooler.

Reinforcing the whisper voice in the library {I was literally scolded by a 9 year-old last week, who scowled at my boys, then asked, "Do they know where they are?", to which I replied, "They sure do, and they are loving every minute," then gave him my most mature, chubby-face-scrunch-smile, and continued perusing the Fiction section.

Pulling a step-stool to the kitchen counter, and showing eager faces how to add ingredients, and mix bowls.

Taking extra moments to explain why, even though it means being late to your next destination.

Throwing another load in, while mentally taking note to pick up more detergent at the store.

Closing your eyes, after wiping down the kitchen table again, and transporting yourself to the nearest pedicure spa where no one is touching you except the nice lady rubbing your feet.

Being a mom.

It's mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. Not to mention, it reeks havoc on your wardrobe selection these days.

But you're over it!

Because you're dressed, and your kids are loved, and you are doing the best you can in this moment. Don't look around at other moms in their casual business work attire, and covet their schedules, their accomplishments, or their car.

Don't get down on yourself for barely leaving the house because all you do is nurse and wipe spit-up off your shoulder.

Take heart that you have been chosen by God to love, protect, enjoy, model faith, and create memories with that little person.

Remember, those hands that mix bowls, and wrap around yours to pray for lunch, those ears that hear your encouragement, and eyes that watch you take a deep breath before reacting, those belong to your sweet child, and your sacrifices do not go unnoticed.

And if you see me in the grocery aisle laughing with my curly-topped boys, wearing my work-out clothes, and rocking a stylish ponytail, please smile at me, or maybe even give me a hug, or better yet, hand me a gift card for a spa pedi, because this mama thing is quite the workout! :)

My week with Tanner

Tanner is having a tough week.

Or perhaps I am having a tough time with Tanner this week.
Yes, that's more like it.

At church Sunday, a long-distance friend visiting, saw him, and exclaimed,
"Tanner, when did you become a boy?"

Raising my shoulders to my side-tilted head, I laughed.
But then I looked at him.
I took a
Good.
Hard.
Look.

And standing before me, in his big-boy flip flops and plaid shorts, indeed, was a boy.

My Tanner.

Who is almost four.

And is trying on his big-boy, independent spirit.

A spirit bursting with questions, creative story-telling, selfishness with his younger brother, and specifically this week, a plethora of

I don't want to's!
No's!
I don't like that!

followed by
running away from me.
Down the hall, where he jumps on his bed, his face buried in his striped surfer pillow, his curls framing the back of his head.

And he lays there, refusing to meet my eyes.

And it makes my blood boil.

Who is this boy?

For me, this has been a week of hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute prayer.
For patience
For direction
For seeing Tanner's heart through God's filter, not my frazzled mom lens.

And I see that this boy, my Tanner, is paving his way, he's testing his boundaries, he's seeing how far he can push me before I react,
or scream,
or make a testing moment much bigger than it needs to be.

So these days, I'm praying a lot.

And I'm not chasing him down the hall when I call for him.
I'm trying to wait patiently in the kitchen,
for him to follow my voice
and come back to me.

And he always does.
Sometimes it takes longer than others, but eventually he comes.
And I've been able to kneel down at his level, which I fear, will pass mine shortly,
and stare into his deep pale blue eyes, and see what God sees.

This boy, this Tanner, is a child searching for love and security.

In those seconds, when my blood is rising in my throat, and I'm fighting the over-riding desire to yell at him to 'listen'

I instead hold him, and ask him to look inside at his own heart and tell me what he sees.
Is it a heart that's listening, not just to me, but to God's Voice?
Is it a heart that desires to obey, not because he'll get in trouble, but because it means the best outcome?

I take his hand, which is bigger I notice, a hand belonging to a young boy, and together, side by side, we walk down the hall,
I lift him into his bed
and I pray over him,
that he will have a heart that listens to his Heavenly Father.
And his eyes, heavy from exhaustion, and his brain, tired from thinking up fighting words, relax.

I watch his chest move up and down, his eyelashes reaching towards his toes, his curls sweaty on his forehead,
and I see my baby, in the form of a boy,
needing to know he is loved
regardless of his actions
regardless of his hurtful words
regardless of his challenging eyes

He needs to know that I will always be here,
standing in the kitchen,
calling for him,
waiting for his pitter-patter of feet, coming from down the hall,
to hold him, and remind him
that I love him
regardless.

Honest Confessions

I ran into a friend at church today, one who I don't see often enough, but am convinced, if we were neighbors, our boys would provide daily entertainment in the form of dinosaur-playing or fort- building
while we'd take turns snuggling her sweet girl
and
laugh
way
too
much!

Within five minutes, we dug down to the inner corners of our hearts and scooped out the gut-honest realities of what life resembles when you add a second child to the family.

It's so hard!
Oh, the fog!
The exhaustion!
And the excessive TV watching, guilt over divided time with your first-born, multi-tasking to the millionth degree.

Oh, the joy that you really can love another little person as much as your first!

No time for fluff.
Just the raw, here-they-are-confessions.

Honest confessions.
They are good for the soul.

So, in the spirit of confessing, I'll scoop out some more gut-honest realities and share them with you.

I'm experiencing God at work personally, and in my hubby, more than any other time in my life. It's life-tilting, scary, and hopeful all in the same breath.

I'm 99% sure we are done having kids.

I'm building a passion for parents with young kids, specifically in regards to mentoring and coming alongside them in that terrifying, full-of-awe season.

I'm dreaming of writing a book, and am clinging daily to God's leading.

I'm learning that just because people don't react to me in a way I would, doesn't mean that they don't love me.

I'm witnessing spiritual warfare firsthand and have a reverent, new-found respect for prayer.

I'm enjoying watching Tanner's creative side~ it stirs smiles within me.

I'm obsessed with Ty's guttural giggle~ it sends me over the moon!

I'm missing my college girls {why must we live so far from one another?}

I'm feeling insignificant that I don't have a part-time career.

I'm reminding myself that this season with two, small boys is a vapor. In those moments of being discontent or exhausted, I try to focus on the eternal, not temporal.

I'm trusting in God's perfect timing.

 I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin the older I get.


Care to scoop out some confessions of your own?

Parent Mentors

 

After completing the life-changing Spiritual Parenting class, I feel like an alive parent, full of purpose, a Big God Story perspective, and the question "What's God doing in my child in this moment?" humming energetically in my head.

It's a good fullness, rich with writing our family story, as well as helping shape who Ty and Tanner are now, and who they will become in the future.

And it got me thinking...

When people get engaged, they typically go to marriage counseling.
They sit close, holding hands, ooey gooey in love, meeting with a pastor, or married couple to discuss future unseens, finances, communication, ya know, the works!

It's quite comical, actually.

Not the marriage advice, no that's essential, but more so the timing. Because in those moments, they can't imagine feeling anything but the honey-soaked, twitterpated tingles.

Bryan and I did our premarital counseling with our friends and mentors, Steve and Cori~ two of the most intentional, godly, inspiring people we know. I'd love to be the foundation of their home and observe the genuine way they love one another, model independent faith to their awesome kids, and serve strangers. They model the type of marriage, parents, and family we aspire to be.

In the past eight years, Steve and Cori remain our go-to couple, the ones we unpack life with together, and individually. They have counseled, listened, prayed for, offered advice, given objective feedback, and become an extension of our family.

But for most couples, I find there is a drop-off following premarital counseling. After the marriage advice is given, and the twitterpated tingles fade,
and the honeymoon is years behind,
the babies come.

And as parents, we bump along, half-asleep, or emotionally drained from disciplining, or crying, or comparing our kids. We accept suggestions as we go, learning, trial and error, more on the side of error. We watch how others do it, this whole parent thing, and give our best attempt at pulling it together.

I believe there is more for parents.

I believe in building a generation of Parent Mentors.

In the same way we see engaged couples receiving premarital counseling, how amazing would it be to meet with Parent Mentors, a couple with kid{s} a couple years older than yours, who sit down with you and your spouse once a month, and partner with you on this crazy parent journey? Maybe you don't yet have children, but you are hoping to one day. Wouldn't you love to connect with a couple who have walked the path you hope for?

How affirming would it be to sit in their home, or local coffee shop {without the kids running about}
and have them listen to your hearts, offer biblical advice, spiritual wisdom, personal experience, all the while encouraging and preparing you for the road ahead, a road you don't entirely recognize...

What if these Parent Mentors were a safe couple
to process the challenges of parenting {did your kids go through a season when all you heard was no?},
discuss how to introduce faith,
to share creative ideas on family traditions,
and so on...

More so, what if this mentor couple prayed for you, that the Holy Spirit would guide you as parents, for your treasured children, in your unique family.

I believe all of us can benefit both from Parent Mentors in specific seasons, and as Parent Mentors in another season. Perhaps you are called to receive and give in that same season.. Personally, I'd love to hike this parenting adventure with a couple in the next stage, gleaning as much biblical advice I can possibly stuff into my absorbent brain. After all, this isn't a hike to be taken alone.


It takes a village to raise a child takes on a whole new meaning once kids come along.

Parent Mentors
Is this something you would desire to be a part of?
If your church offered this ministry, would you participate, whether it be on the giving or receiving end?
If not, would you pray about God using you to start a ministry as Parent Mentors?

One of life's most beautiful layers is learning from, and encouraging one another.

Parent Mentors.
Sign me up!